Another loss....another hole in my heart:(

Ok so its been a bit since I posted anything but there has been alot going ok.... Oh boy where to start....After Savannah passed away we said that was it. We had already had 6 losses and so many holes in our hearts. We knew that Savannah had a genetic disease that could be passed on to another child. Well in April of this year we decided that we weren't gonna try so to say but we werent gonna prevent it. A few months went by and although I am really ready to have a baby I know that everything comes in time and it will happen when my body is ready. So I didn't get my period for a little bit but honestly thought nothing of it since its normal for me to miss them every now and then. Well on Aug 15 I went to bed feeling ok. That night I kept having a dream that I could hear my angels crying but could never find them. I know the dream may sound odd but each time we have lost a baby I have the same dream. Well on Sunday the 16th I woke up feeling odd I guess is the right words. I told Doug something just doesn't feel right today and he told me he kinda had the same feeling. Later on in the day I started to cramp. It was bad cramps but I figured I would just call the GYN in the am and see what he says. So that night I went to the rest room and what happened next still seems kinda unreal. When I wiped(sorry if its TMI) I felt this odd feeling down below and when I looked there in my hands lying in the toilet paper was a perfectly formed baby. Yes that's right I said baby. The cramps weren't from my period they were from me miscarrying again. I stood in the rest room just looking at my little baby in my hands for a while. Then after about 30 mins I left the rest room and walked into the living and said to Doug I think I just miscarried. He looked as if I was crazy. Then I begin to cry and he knew what was going on. So he looked at our sweet baby and together we cried for the loss of our child that we didn't even know was growing inside me. The next day I went to the doctor just to confirm what I already knew was true. He told me that I was albout 8 weeks along and that I had for sure lost the baby. Although I already knew that our baby was gone when the doctor told me in his words it cut through me like a knife, like the sharpest longest knife in the world. It has been 3 weeks since we lost our 7th angel. And I must say that even though 3 weeks as gone by fast the hurt has not. Loosing our last baby brought back so many feelings from our other losses. It made me think back to my sweet Savannah. Made me wish that God would have taken me instead of all our angels. I know that we have lots to be thankful for...each other..our health..our love and our family. But sometimes I cant help but think why..why me...why us...why our child....why..why....why. I know that there are some things we may never understand and although I have not come to completely understand why we still have empty arms I am very thankful for the time that God has given with me our children no matter if I carry them 8 weeks or 28 1/2 weeks. Each day is a miracle. I just cant wait for the day that our little miracle comes out screaming and crying. Hopefully and god I hope there is a next time we get pregnant all will be fine...but I guess only time will tell..